Hey folks, I’ve been writing this blog for over two years and it’s been a blast. But lately it’s been tiring. I never want this to become something that seems more like a chore or a nuisance. I want to have this blog be able to be an outlet for my creativity, fill a niche of some kind, and continue to support the awesome interactions and conversations that some of the posts have created. I also love nostalgia, cultural artifacts, and most importantly, hate on stuff that is heinously written.

The last thing I want to do is to go on hiatus. I’ve seen other blogs do this promising to return, but they never do. I’m trying to think of ways to keep from doing that. Here are some ideas:

-Start accepting guest posts. Really, in the past I’ve been selfish and wanted this blog to represent my thoughts and my experiences. However, my blog pet peeve is blogs that are not often updated, and other content could prevent that. There are also a ton of old YA books and series about there that I will not get time to read. If you are interested, and I mean seriously interested in contributing something, email me [thedairiburger[at]gmail.com]. I don’t need and actually don’t want an exact recap of every word and every chapter of a book. As long as it’s mean-spirited. Ha!

-Recapping a new form of media.

• I am a huge fan of the ORIGINAL Degrassi Junior High series, and between the Canadian accents, high drama, and fugly outfits, I could have a field day. Zit Remedy, anyone? Stephanie Kaye for president?
• I am also considering recapping episodes of Jem and the Holograms, because I actually spent a significant sum of money obtaining the complete series on dvd. I know I had started my Little series blog, but that turned out to be harder than I thought. Maybe because the show is too long. [Shrugs]. I think I will throw some time into that too.
• Perhaps recapping some craptastic and fairly obscure teen movies of the 80s and 90s. I just watched Satisfaction on my Netflix instant play.

Because I love this survey widget, here ya go.

[Yea, that had no relevance. I just watched all of Season 1 this weekend and I am having a hard time deciding. I think I'm hot for Sam Merlotte.]

They say girls always want boyfriends who are just like their fathers. In this case, Katie takes that very literally.

I gave this series another shot. Seriously, for gals who are supposed to have such an exciting life,…my Saturday nights spent talking to my cat are more thrilling.

Really, you don’t need to know much. Katie is finally dating Mitch, after six books of him verbally abusing her. Mitch has his own huge loft to himself in Soho I think, because he’s estranged from his family. Katie lives with her parents. I don’t know how this is all going to work out. Mitch and Katie have the typical YA relationship- they don’t talk about much, and Mitch talks in a husky voice and they make out. Once again, angering me because if I read this when it was age-appropriate to read this, it would give me no information about how to act in relationships. God forbid I wanted to ask a guy about his feelings on Operation Desert Storm; real conversations were not to be had with boyfriends unless it was about the relationship. Many seasons of reality dating shows are based on this concept.

Oh, right. Er, um, Katie thinks everything is great with Mitch, until his ex-girlfriend from the sticks, Nikki,  shows up in town and is staying with Mitch until she can get a job. Mitch claims he is helping out a friend, but we gals know that all other females lurking around our men are totally evil predators and must be eradicated. Nikki stole a car and let Mitch take the fall for it, or something dramatic like that. Katie, the insecure gal that she is, is totally jealous and keeps getting mad and Mitch and never gives him time to explain. Just as she is about to go to him to forgive him, she just coincidentally walks into a situation that construes some cheating and gets mad all over again. Seriously, this happens eighty times. All one of them needs to say is “hey, we seem to have a misunderstanding. Let’s have a calm conversation and this will be resolved.” But then we wouldn’t have a series, right?

So Katie’s little sister Jewell decides to investigate for Katie, and makes friends with Nikki to expose her to Mitch. Because someone needed to fill in plot. She catches Nikki shoplifting or something, I don’t know. Meanwhile there is a rather random subplot where Katie’s character on the show seduces one of her teachers. There are crazy right wing protesters against the plot, and Katie’s dad is also furious that Katie is playing the part. WELL POPS YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE YOU EXPLOITED YOUR CHILD AND PUT HER ON TELEVISION. Katie stands up to the writers and makes them rewrite the part so that Katie does the right thing. Aw, morality for the win! Somehow this is parallel to Katie taking a stand about some floozy stealing her man.

Really, All That Glitters? Really? This is the best you can do? A series about child stars could be so much more awesome! Where’s the late nights at Studio 54? The drug addictions?

Don’t we wish that Liz left the country for a while and we didn’t have to deal with her barrettes and piousness? Regina Morrow apparently handed Liz one brochure about some school called Interlochen and Liz had dreams of wiring her amazing short stories overlooking the alps. Liz found out about this place too late after the deadline but fuck me gently with a chainsaw! There’s still a scholarship that she is eligible to apply for! The possibility of Sweet Valley without Liz is too much for her friends and family to imagine. It would kind of be like Jessica without a halter top. Or Robin Wilson without a cheesecake. Or Todd without cheating. You get the picture. She’s INTEGRAL! So everyone reacts to this in the most illogical, irrational, immature way ever. Did we expect anything less?

Q: Liz notices that Jeffrey seems kind of bummed and quiet when she talks about going away. Why do you think this is, Liz?
A: Well, he probably doesn’t realize how important this is to me! So I think the solution is to talk about how much fun I am going to have there nonstop! That will make him realize how much I want to go, and then of course he will support me!

Q: Well, Liz, Enid seems kind of bummed too. Do you think it is for the same reason?
A: Of course not, she doesn’t want to see me be happy! She’s just SO SELFISH! I am just going to not talk to her anymore. Screw any feelings she may be having about the matter! She’s supposed to be my best friend and worship me unconditionally!

Q: Jeffrey and Enid, what are you going to do to make sure Liz stays?
A: Well, instead of talking to her about how we feel, we are going to make her a super-secret but super-special scrapbook filled with pictures of her with us. And we’ll sneak around suspiciously together to get it complete. And in no way would it give her the idea that we are seeing each other.

Q: Jessica and Steven, how will you handle this.
A: Well, in the most mature and reasonably way possible- by sabotaging her interview! Jessica will wear a slutty outfit, and Steven will act like an imbecile. In other words, like ourselves.

Q: Liz, how do you feel about the way everyone is acting?
A: Well, in the last minute, I decided that I don’t want to go anyway. I thought Switzerland was magical. but what could be more magical than Sweet Valley and all of my friends?  The people are too snotty and judgmental. However, I’ll just forgive everyone for the way they are acting! What? of course I won’t hold Jessica accountable for her hideous actions! I’ll just hig her and tell her that I’m so glad she’s my sister, thus enabling her selfish behavior! Yay for friends! let’s all get triple scoop Sundaes at Casey’s!

BUT! ALICE WAKEFIELD ACTS LIKE A PARENT!:

You seem to be asking an awful lot of [Jeffrey]. You suddenly announce that what you want more than anything in the entire world is to move to Switzerland for an entire year and study creative writing. The way you put it, Jeffrey would be a real chauvinist if he didn’t back you on the whole project. You keep emphasizing how important it will be for your development, your writing, your future. Have you even asked Jeffrey how he feels about the whole thing? It seems you’ve done an awful lot of assuming for him. You’ve assumed he’s behind your plan. You’ve assumed that he is going to wait around for you. And now you’re assuming that he’s interested in your best friend! Don’t you think it’s time you two actually sat down and talked?

Then, in a plotline best suited for an ABC Family original movie, Winston has some shenanigans with a lottery ticket. Somehow he accidentally switches his coat with a poor old man’s, and the lottery ticket in the pocket is the winning ticket! Winston is so con sumed with guilt that he returns the coat and the money to the old man, and now his little granddaughter can go to riding camp. Wait, there’s a poor man in Sweet Valley? He must live next to the Martins.

Knowing that I like crappy teen fiction, my bff Erin got me a whole bunch of MK and A and Full House: Michelle books from a thrift store. I mean, really? Erin, I have standards. Jeez.

So somewhere in between when they uttered “you got it dude” on Full House and when they became anorexic coke addicts in Manhattan, they were massive money makers with books and furniture and dolls. Seriously, I don’t see the appeal. Furthermore, these books were written by mental patients in Romania. And you thought Sweet Valley plots were bad. I can’t even find the words to summarize it, so I’ll just show you the scanned pages.

The FUCK? That is the most contrived plot device ever. How fucking convenient! THEY are in a band with those exact same requirements. And what town has a child band play at a benefit concert! And Mary Kate and Ashley run a detective agency for their town. And they have actual clients? And they call the newscasters a “man newscaster” and a “woman newscaster”?

And while we are on the subject of then Olsen twins, how did they make so much money? What the hell is the appeal to tweens? Furthermore, they had their own production company, and they write all their own movies. How did anyone let that happen? Ok, here’s my sick confession: I’ve actually seen some of their movies. WHAT! I have a sick fascination with utter crap. I can’t help it. The plot is always the same:m the twins give themselves some “sophisticated” names like Riley, Chloe, Madison, Charli. And then devise plots where they are charmed by cute men. And overcome some sort of problem. And visit some exotic location. And have a montage. And are discovered as upcoming fashion designers or some shit like that. If you are some sort of masochist, you should check out When In Rome. What? I’ve conveniently included the first two parts. Watch at your own risk.

Ugh. The really bad jokes. The line up of introducing themselves. Mistaking the boss for a waiter. Serioulsy, my preteen book about models on a cruise was better than this script. Hey I had FORESHADOWING! And SYMBOLISM!

And don’t get me started on Holiday in the Sun. They solve an international jewel thief mystery, find boyfriends and find time to splash around at the water park. Check out a pre-Transformers Megan Fox at the 5:55 mark in the ROLE OF A LIFETIME.

I hate myself.

Jennifer: Sigh.

John: Sigh.

Jennifer: Sigh….Wait, why are YOU upset? I’m the one who should be. I was going to run away with Rick Andover but SOMEBODY caught him stealing from a music store and he was put away. OBVS it was my father because he didn’t want me to see him anymore.

John: Well, it was actually me. See, I secretly love you and reported him so that you wouldn’t ruin your life with a shame on society  like Rick Andover.

Jennifer: WHAT? HOW DARE YOU-

John: Shhhhhhhhh, son’t get too mad. We shouldn’t break this pose. Let’s milk this cover as long as we can. You’ll never be heard of again after this book and the next time I appear, I’ll be a rapist.

Jennifer. True. Sigh. You lean real well.

John: Thanks, you- well, I am not sure what is so great about you. You aren’t depicted with any sort of personality. But you ARE blond.

Jennifer: Not true! I play the piano! And I make out with Rick Andover real well!

John: Speaking of, so what happens to him in this book?

Jennifer: No one cares. Because at the end you swoop in and rescue me so it’s a happy ending and tying up lose ends of the plot is irrelevant.

John: Yea, even though you thought it was your father that turned in Rick and then your father had a heart attack and you refused to see him in the hospital on his death bed.

Jennifer; Yea, I am a bit of a drama queen. See! There’s another facet of my personality!

John: Well, if it hadn’t been for Liz, I never would have cleared up everything.

Jennifer: Ugh, I was wondering how she would weasel her way into this plot.

John: Well, she kept showing up mysteriously at my locker and squeezing my scrotum until I would open up to her and tell me my problems.And then she actually showed up at the hospital and faked a card from me to you so we would make up. I think the hospital made her her an honorary surgeon for fixing the love lives of some self-absorbed teenagers.

Jennifer: And I supposed Jessica somehow got some plot in this one too?

John: Yea, something about how she is manipulating her boyfriend A.J. into doing whatever she wants him to and disregarding any of his feelings. You know, a typical weekday.

Jennifer: So what is a White Lie, anyway?

John: Well, we are very white, and lies were told. Maybe it is a play on words? I don’t know.

Jennifer: Well, don’t look at me, you are the Oracle reporter. You read gooder than I do.

Hey everyone, sorry for the no posts, I’ve actually been – gasp!- out of the house a lot with not a lot of time to write. I have no Bachelorette recap this week because unfortunately, I may not be writing them anymore. But we’ll see. Plus, I’m headed out of town for the next week and a half and it is doubtful I’ll do any recaps on the road. Where am I headed? One of my favorite cities, Washington, DC. If this were an SVH super special, Jessica would meet a mysterious handsome stranger who is secretly an international spy and would save her from perishing in a twerrorist act. Then the government would give her a medal and one for Liz for apprehending the nation’s only drug dealer. Liz would also casually be taking the White House tour, and overhear a cabinet meeting about the economy. She would offer her help and be asked to give her unput, and Barack would thank her personally.

ANYWAY Jezebel is one of the best blogs ever, and this BSC reference when talking about sperm whales made my life.

Also, here are some pics from The Campire Diaries Show. Man, is that going to suck. Plus, the cast looks blah. Ian Somerhalder maybe, but isn’t he about 35?

Behave yourselves, don’t get into any motorcycle accidents. I’ll be back in about two weeks with the compelling story of Jennifer Mitchell and John Pfeifer. Who? Exactly.

So many obscene comments, so little time

There’s a new Bachelorette in town, and she means business. Please read my recap of Jillian’s adventures with her harem. I really do enjoy being able to snark on the show, but I want to get serious for a moment. It is hard for me to recap this stuff, especially on a day like today when the California Supreme Court California citizens and the support of the Supreme Court decided that same-sex couples are also second-class citizens. Whereas a show like The Bachelorette can carelessly use marriage as a ploy for a reality show. Where Jillian can decide on who she will marry based on trivial matters like what a guy puts on their hot dog and who can win a silly car chase set up by producers. Whereas many of my loved ones cannot marry the person they have chosen to devote their lives to for decades because of hate, ignorance and privilege. Thanks, reality television, for the slap in the face.

In other news, here are some other books I’ve read lately.

I love office culture, have been a longtime fan of the cartoon Dilbert, and would love a certain sitcom if it weren’t for an irritating Steve Carrell. Then We Came to the End book mesmerized me and made me feel part of the office culture described. The interesting part about Then We Came to the End is that it is written in first person collective narrative, which at first is challenging to get used to. Eventually I did get used to it, but I felt like at times it actually distanced me from the characters because no one truly had their own perspective. Highly recommended nonetheless.

Daniel Clowes is a graphic novel god. He continually amazes to wow me. This collection of his Eightball short works series  includes the genius Art School Confidential, which was later a mediocre movie. I recently went to a film screening where he appeared, and he shared that most of his earlier work is based on characters in Berkeley and he did most of his writing at Cafe Roma on College Ave in Berkeley, for you East Bay dwellers, which excited me. I wrote much of the early entries of this blog at that cafe. If you haven’t read Ghost World, it’s particularly awesome. And the movie adaptation is fucking incredible. Enid is my personal hero. Often I will ask people if they’ve seen the movie and squirm until they say, “you remind me of Enid” and I say “I WAS HOPING YOU’D SAY THAT!”

I couldn’t really call myself a horror/sci-fi fan until I read Richard Matheson’s I Am Legend. I haven’t seen the most recent Will Smith movie adaptation and I don’t plan to. I Am Legend is short but totally captures the point and is so well read. And legitimately scary- usually I am not scared by books. Well, I take that back- clearly Christopher Pike books used to freak me out.

I’m weird and read about a gazillion books at one time, so the other ones I am working on are American Wife, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, World War Z, and Scar Tissue.

I find it amusing that there are small details about books that stick with me. Especially with this one. I hadn’t thought about this book in a while but as soon as I started reading it all started coming back to me.

This book bothered me when I read it back in the day, but I really had no idea why. It has the requisite amount of boys and kissing, but it never left me feeling right. Rereading it, I can figure out why: Laurie, the main character, is really troubled. And it’s subtle. She has no identity of her own, and always acts just like other people want her to. And I don’t think she even did is consciously. It’s the influence of her best friend Soap, who has problems of her own.

Soap constantly gets in trouble at school, and does it to get attention from her parents, which is my Freaudian interpretation. Also, she feels like an outcast, she kind of outcasts herself. laurie, her friend since childhood always goes along with it. Laurie has no other friends than Soap, because Soap tends to isolate the two of them from everyone else. Finally, Soap gets expelled and has to enroll in Miss Pringle’s school for girls, and convinces Laurie to convince her parents to enroll her there too, which she DOES! Talk about a pushover.

Laurie meets Hilary, who is super rich and sophisticated, and takes an interest in Laurie although Laurie is not so sure she likes Hilary, but is desperate to have friends other than sope. MEMORIABLE TIDBIT #1: She is at a sleepover at Hilary’s, and Hilary thinks her pajamas are babyish, so she makes her wear one of her sexy nightgowns. The fuck? Also, she suggests she let Laurie cut her hair, which Laurie of course goes along with.

Laurie hangs out with Hilary, her boyfriend Boots, and his various douchey friends. Hilary has a makeup party at her house. MEMORABLE TIDBIT #2: She puts makeup on Laurie, which includes borwn lipstick. Laurie also puts some on her cheeks (?) borrows one of Hilary’s bras and stuffs it with tissues. When some guy sticks his tongue down her throat, she goes upstairs to the bathroom and vomits. Which is, sadly, my reaction to courtship rituals.

MEMORABLE TIDBIT #3: Laurie goes on a double date to the movies with Hilary and the douchebags, and the guy stick his tongue in Laurie’s ear. That totally freaked me out when I first read this.

Meanwhile, Soap’s father is having an affair with one of their teachers, and they cut school to spy on them. They spy on them in the park. MEMORABLE TIDBIT #4: Soap’s father brings his mistress lunch, but it’s a mustard sandwich because he didn’t have anything else to bring.

Meanwhile Laurie’s new friends are mad that she is hanging out with Soap, but Laurie ends up choosing to hang out with Soap in the end, realizing Soap is her only true friend. Is that really a happy ending? Soap still has her troubles and once again she and Laurie are social outcasts. However, Soap does recognize that her parents’ marriage trouble was affecting her, and laurie does realize that Hilary wasn’t as good a friend as she thought she was. I don’t even think Laurie has grown much. Just go with me on this, but it reminds me of  Superbad, where the impressionable Evan is codependent on Seth and feels like he missed out on other friendships because of Seth. Yes, I do believe that Superbad was, in parts, actually endearing. And pretty fucking funny.

I wish there was some sort of sequel, so I could know if Laurie was able to grow some ovaries.

Are you all ready for the reveal of the BEST! SVH! BOOK! EVER!

It just proves that the classics always shine through. What more could you want? Feathered hair, look of despair, pic of Liz in barettes. Comas, head trauma, Brucer the Seducer, Jessica gets pwned, need I say more?

Lady Gaga is the shit. Does no one remember that she made an appearance on The Hills? Where Lauren fixed her zipper? Anyway, her crazy outfits seem to be inspired by our favorite junk food hoarder, Claudia Kishi.

Variation on the Flinstones outfit/bone in her hair:

This looks like some crap Claudia would make in art class and wear around town thinking she’s totally artsy and individual.

I’m sure at some point Claudia went pantsless. “She was wearing a t shirt and tights, and anyone else would be arrested for indecency but on Claudia it looked cool.”