Caitlin: Tender Promises, A Dramatic Reading

Caitlin looks knocked up. And that outfit is wuite unflattering. Remember vests? My first day of sixth grade, I wore black leggings, a huuuuuuge t-shirt and a tapestry vest. Hot. Also, that must be Jed, whispering in her ear and threatening to murder her if she makes a sound.

Anyway, we’re lucky to have quite an ensemble of thespians for this one. There’s like a zillion subplots, so let’s do some introductions.

Once again. we are lucky to assembel tinsletown’s finest for a dramatic reading of Caitling____, the first book in the promise series. There are tons of characters, so let’s review before we begin.

Megan Fox returns as Caitlin

Brian Bloom as All-American boy Jed

George Hamilton as Dr. Westlake, Caitlin’s biological father

Betty White at Regina Ryan, Caitlin’s Gram-mama

Wes Bentley as Creepy Jared

Mining Ladies and Mining wives (they don’t get names because they are working class and not attractive)

John Malkovich as Colin Wollman, the new lawyer for Ryan Mining

Lisa Rinna as Nicole Wollman, Colin’s bombshell sister

Taylor Momsen as Melanie Michaels, Jed’s kid sis

Naked Miley Cyrus as Eve, Melanie’s scheming best friend

Artax the sad Horse as Charge Account, a nimble steed

Oh Caitlin! I am so glad we are back together! After all the poisoning children, breaking up, getting caught in an abamdoned mine tunnel, I can’t IMAGINE anything else bad will happen to us!

I know! I’m so glad we are spending half the summer here and then the other half at your house in Montana. I’ll bet your family and friends are NOTHING like hick stereotypes.

Hey kids! Are you up here not having sex? I need you to come down to the party and entertain my fabulously important rich people guests. Caitlin I want you to meet Colin, he;s the lawyer for the company. I don’t really understood why I hired him, or how a mining company actually works, but that’s not important. Just know I have a very important job at a very important company.

Helllloooooo

Um hello, I’m getting a totally creepy vibe from you, but I can’t place it. There’s a chance you may later deceive me.

Meet my sister.

Helllooooo

Uh, gee, I see my Dad, if you’ll excuse me.

Caitlin! How’s my favorite bastard-child-that-I-didn’t-know-I-had-until-last-year?

Oh fine, but I am worried about you. Have you been getting laid?

Well, now that you mention it…

Hellloooooo!!!!

—–

Oh Caitlin, it’s so fantastic that you started a nursery school for the children of the miners who work at Ryan Mining! I see that growing up spoiled but by one, life-changing event with Ian has turned you into the most giving, wonderful person ever. And sweeping in with your privilege and saving these kids! It makes me want to date rape you all over again!

Hands off stud, we’ve got work to do. Ah, look at all the poor people in this town. How do they afford to pay their maids?

Ah, there’s that raven-haired bitch. I’ve hated her my whole life. One time when she was little she came here to give our presents with her Grandma and I wanted to touch her pretty pretty coat but she cried. That spoilt bitch! I’ve been waiting my whole life to get back at her!!! She weeeeel be mine. Bwahahahaha!

–

Oh hai ladies, whatchay talkin’ about? How you clean the house before your cleaning lady comes? I totes hate that.

No, we’re talking about how our husbands work in shitty conditions and Ryan mining doesn’t care.

Oh yea, that Ryan Mining. They’re a beast. I’m Caitlin….Westlake. Yea, that’s my name.

–

Grandma, Jed and I want to talk to you about Ryan Mining. Since I constantly need to assuage my guilt about being super rich and beautiful, I want to bring you a list of issues with it.

Okay, let’s hear it…

Heyyyy heyyyyy…..

Dammit! Now we can never bring it up again. I have to concentrate on packing for my trip so I’m going to forget all about this issue.

—-

Oh Daddy, I wanted to say goodbye before I head out to Montana. I’m so glad it’s just the two of u…

Hiyeeeee!!!! Hi lover. Smack!

Oh, I didn’t know you were together!

Yes, your father is an awesome fuck.

—-

Oh Jed, I’m so glad that I am spending the rest of the summer in Montana with you. I mean, I know we planned the nursery school, but I hate how it got in the way of my vacay. Oh look we’re there. Why is everyone at the airport doing line dances? Why did I pilot have some hay in his mouth?

Welcome to Montana! Hey meet my sister!

Hi Caitlin!

Hi Jed…. [rubs her genitals on Jed]

Oh hi Evie. Gee, you’ve grown up!

Oh Jed, ewhat a great house!

Ok, Caitlin, this is your room. We’ll spend the summer not having sex.

—

Oh Melanie, he WEEEEEL be mine. Let’s hatch a plan to have him fall in love with me!

Um, like, what?

Well, let’s seeee….How about we tell Caitlin that breakfast is at 10am, when it’s really at 7! And she’ll…sleep through it! Ha! And…and…and….oh this is good….we’ll tell her that marmots attack people so she will SHOOT AND KILL THEM! YEA!

Um, Eve, uh….

Oh, ok, and then finally during the big horse race we’ll loosen her saddle so maybe when she is riding the horse she will fall off and DIE!

FUCK YEA!!

—–

Wow Melanie, you almost tried to kill me and Charge Account, but I’m going to fogive you because since the little-boy-eating-chemicals accident, I’ve become such a benevolent, giving person.

neigh….fuck off….neigh

Did that horse say something?

CAITLIN! Thank God you are all right. It seems that once a year you always have a brush with death. I should have predicted it.

Oh Jed, I love you. I can’t wait for us to go to college together next year so we can continue to not have sex.

Uh, I have to tell you something. I’ve decided at the last minute to go to the local agricultural college because I want to be a professional rancher like my father. It’s okay, apparently admission procedures don’t really work. It’s for the better really. After a month I would have been dry humping girls on the beer-soaked floor of my fraternity house, while you are waiting in your pink ruffly dorm room.

Well, that’s ok Jed, because our love is so pure that nothing can get in our way!

Or will it? DUN DUN DUNNNNNN………….