Say Goodbye…to Elizatodd

Elizatodd is their celeb couple name…like Brangelina.

Anyhoo.

Someone pointed out here that Todd looks like a young Paul Gleason. I’m feelin’ that. So the plot, if you could call it that, involves Todd’s family moving to Vermont and Liz being all fucking dramatic about it. She mopes around and spends all her time writing to Todd and Jessica is sick of her pity party, so tells Todd that he needs to break up with her. And she convinces Nicholas Morrow to make a play for Liz again. Liz, thinking that Todd forgot about her, uses Nicholas as a rebound because she’s self-absorbed like that. Todd decides to fly back for the weekend to surprise Liz but he sees her with NicMo and gets mad. Jeebus, Todd is only in this book for like 10 pages but he and Liz still manage to have a fight.

The think that baffled me most was that Liz WROTE A LETTER TO TODD EVERY DAY. I mean, there are people I write to everyday whether it be chatting online or emailing, but what the hell can you write about everyday? Luckily, my book came with deleted chapters and luckily one of Elizabeth’s daily letters was included!

Dearest Todd,

I hope you got my previous letters. Just in case, I thought I’d let you know how my day went. It’s like you are here with me! It’s as if you were with me throughout the night, and we were not having sex.

So I woke up this morning and took a shower. I didn’t use the toilet because I have no genitals. Omg! And I wanted to wear my polka dot shirt and I almost couldn’t find my polka dotted barettes. When I got downstairs, Mom was just finished making us breakfast, which were pancakes, waffles, bacon, danishes, scrambled eggs, omlets, hash browns, toast with butter. It was so good! I had three helpings. Then she went off to her very important interior design job.

On my way to school I passed a homeless person. After I called the police to chase him out of Sweet Valley, I talked to him about the importance of job skills and pension plans. When I got to school suddenly it was lunch period. I guess classes were canceled again today. I had a sloppy joe, a milkshake, french fries, dorritos and cheesecake. Lois Waller had a salad, but I think she had croutons on it. Omg! I was so ashamed for her. I decided that I would put together a powerpoint presentation for her about the danger of carbs.

I started to talk to her but I realized that Winston had set up his A/V equipment and was starting his stand-up routine, right in the lunchroom! He is so funny. He spent about the first 40 minutes making puns and then the rest of the time doing impressions of the teachers and various shadow puppets.

Gee, classes were canceled again this afternoon so I decided to go to The Oracle office to work on some stuff. Mr. Collins was there and he is so sweet! He knows that I’ve been upset so he surprised me by hiding in the stall in the girls room and when I came in, he jumped out and surprised me!

When I got home, even thought it was Jessica’s turn to make dinner, she called me all upset so of course I just did it for her. She was too busy hatching a scheme with Lila to ruin some poor girl’s life. Oh, that Jessica, she’s so funny. Then somebody named Enid called but I didn’t pay that much attention.

Then when I was making dinner, I started peeling the potatoes and saw that they were kind of round, which reminded me of basketballs, which reminded me that you play basketball, then it reminded me of you!!!! And then all my snot and tears seeped into the stew. I decided to serve it anyway and when my family ate it, they were so moved they started crying. My Dad, who, as you know, is a big important lawyer is dealing with a huge case. It involves a huge double murder triple rape homicide, including cults and murderous long lost twins. You know, the usual for Sweet Valley. He was really having trouble with the argument, but I helped him out and wrote his deposition. He kissed me on the forehead and said “what would I do without you honey?” As he leaned over to kiss me, I noticed his strong, muscular chest.

After that I went into my room and wrote some poetry and some letters to Chrome Dome about some ideas about educational leadership theory. Then I just laid in bed and thought of you! I can’t wait to hear about YOUR day. I feel so bad for you that you don’t live in Southern California. Anyone who don’t live here is so unlucky. I love you so much and think of your husky voice and crinkly brown eyes, and the way you don’t have sex with me.

xoxoxoxoxo

Liz