Actual product sold at the fund raiser*.
I find it interesting, since the last post about Lila’s Story, all the love for Lila coming through. I’m not excluding myself from this, you all know my love for Lila. In fact, so much that I role play Lila (halp!) I also know a good chunk of us would consider giving it up for Bruce Patman in the backseat of 1BruCE1 (again, myself included, god help me).
The question is, even today, as adult, smart, strong, independent women, we still find Lila and Bruce to be the “favorites.” Why is that? Shouldn’t we, looking back, realize that the characters we should like the most are, say, Olivia Davidson? She’s smart, artsy, independent and likes to go against the crowd? What about Liz, who is loyal to her friends, likes to write, and is passionate about issues? We still find them irritating. Yet we find a gal who is essentially a spoiled brat who gets her rocks off putting down others. (Sorry Lila, you know it’s true girl)
It makes sense for us as pre-teens to love them because as pre-teens we are told through peers and media that money and looks are what matters. True, that message is still around us all the time, but as adults, shouldn’t we have a better time seeing through that? I think it is that Francine (aka ghostwriters) did such a good job of consciously AND unconsciously validating the characteristics of the rich, good looking characters and making them the protagonists, and having the other characters always ruining their fun. So much to the point that even today, we as adults rereading them root for the Bruces and the Lilas of the story.
I’m not calling anyone else about that, because I consider myself one of these people. I find myself cheering when Lila makes a snarky comment or devises an evil plan and rolling my eyes whenever Liz brings up some issue about basic human goodwill. If all of us smart women of today are buying into that, what hope was there for us as awkward tweens?
Anyway, moving on to Bruce. I gotta say, I wanted more insight into Bruce’s mind. How does he feel about all the women he’s (supposedly) conquested? Does he keep a Barney Stinson-esque list? What are his techniques? How often does he look at himself naked in the mirror and talk to his cock? Does he even have any male friends? Does he actually talk to anyone in the senior class? Sorry, none of that. We get a watered down narrative about Bruce’s temper tantrums and his rich white man problems.
I want to take a swim in his chin cleft.
Furthermore, Bruce doesn’t even get the point of view narrative through the whole thing! The twins even get some screentime! And, as we are reminded for the gazillionth time, Roger has just moved in after he found out he is a Patman, and he is having a hard time adjusting to the new lifestyle. Ok, we get it. Just eat some caviar and enjoy it already. He is happy that Bruce is finally acting like a friend. The ice queen Marie Patman still hates him. Man, she is a piece of work.
Strangley, we get a Claudia Kishi-esque description of Bruce’s outfit:
Bruce was wearing a navy linen sports coat and an imported silk tie. The creases in his gray trousers looked as if they’d been cut with a knife. He had even slicked his hair back with a dab of gel. Bruce looked fantastic- his dark, chiseled good looks shown off to their best advantage.
Grandpa Patman is paying them all a visit, who started the big Patman fortune (I thought they were old money?) Gramps prides Bruce in being Bruce, and chides Roger for having his shirt untucked and not caring about the family business. Like Bruce does? He spends most of his time stroking 1BRUCE1, pressing pleats into his chinos and lightly brushing girls’ breasts.
A typical Friday night for Bruce.
Gramps proposes a contest between the two boys- he gives them two thousand dollars each, and gives them four weeks to see who can make the most profit off of it. What then ensues is some of the dumbest hijinks ever. Hold that thought.
Meanwhile, SVH has dopted project SAVE, and one member of each of the grades is selected to the committee. I’ll give you three guesses who the junior class rep is. Tracy Atkins is the senior class rep, and Bruce is getting a hard on for her because she just got a new haircut that according to him, makes her look like “a supermodel”. Bruce is obsessed with her, despite her disinterest in him. She’s got no personality, kind of a hybrid of Liz and pe-makeover Lynne Henry. Oh no wait, her “special needs” little brother goes to the Nicholson school that project SAVE is fund raising for. Apparently, the school needs five thousand dollars to stay open another year. Jeez. What sort of crap school is this? Taught out of a cardboard box? That pays for crayons, maybe.
Also, Regina is never mentioned by Bruce, nor is Bruce’s feelings about her death. Supposedly it happened during that school year, but either he is totally over it or the ghostwriters didn’t want to bother with that extremely important plot point. Also, he interacts with Liz, who finds him slightly annoying. Did he not remember the coma-date-rape incident? Tracy Atkins asks Liz for advice about Bruce, and Liz is all, “if you like him go for it!” What a friend.
Bruce has a 1BRUCE1 fender-bender and needs it fixed, so that’s $500. Then he decides to buy $100 concert tix to surprise Tracy with. Who declines him after Bruce shows up at her house unannounced expecting her to drop everything and go with him. The nerve of that girl! Bruce can hardly believe it either. Then Bruce plays poker with some guys from the country club, and loses seven hundred dollars. Roger meanwhile, is unsuccessfully at the stock market. Yes, this sounds riveting, doesn’t it?
Liz and her saint-in-training Tracy think of the perfect fund raising idea: Harbor Days! For two Saturdays, vendors will set up booths in the park and give half the profits to the charity. Any SVH student can also set up a booth. That is….not really a good fund raising idea. Plus, the four students seem to pull this together in about three days with no adult help. Chya right. Bruce first decides that he wants to sell copies of his black book of all hot girls’ phone numbers. For real, he really thinks this is a good idea. Luckily Tracy come up with the idea that Bruce should sell “Bruce Patman’s advice for Dating” books. So, he writes the book in like a day and they create copies and are ready to go. Here’s a sample:
What do you say to a girl you’ve just met who you want to go out with? A. You’re gorgeous, B. I dive a Porsche. Want a Ride? C. You’re in for the best night of your life now that you’ve met me. D. All of the above.
Roger decides to sell white caps that he will custom make for people. What? Who will buy those? Since when is he a good artist? Oh, it was the eighties. Bruce, being Bruce, sabotages his paint and trades the waterproof paint for water soluble paint and gets a kid to start throwing water balloons on them. Ruh-roh! For the second Harbor Days, Roger sells enlarged photographs taken by Jim, that guy who started the photography club. Bruce decides to sell homeade ice cream. Yes, it is that ridiculous. Bruce has a plan to once again sabotage Roger’s photo paper, but doesn’t at the last minute. That makes him think he is a hero.
Tracy finds out about Bruce’s antics and breaks it off with him, and Bruce gets a bit of a guilt complex and ends up just giving all his money to the SAVE charity. And, fior that matter, why is SAVE always capitalized? Is it an acronym? So, at his parents coming-home-from-vacation-surprise-party-that-for-some-reason-SVH-students-were-invited-to, Grandpa Patman wants to declare a winner of the contest. Turns out Roger also gave his profits to charity, so they are both broke. Grandpa Patman realizes the error of his ways and apologizes for the contest. Hank Patman also says that Patman industries will be the benefactor of the Nicholson school and it will never have to close. Seriously, he could have decided that sooner so the Project SAVE committee wouldn’t have to go through all the trouble. A tie is declared. Does that mean they will both run the company? Neither? Never really resolved. Are we surprised? Nope.
I wish this never existed. It didn’t do anything to redeem Bruce, and it didn’t to anything to make us hate Bruce, in a good way. Only when he is a secondary character in other books do we get his one-eyebrow-raised, smarmy remarks that we love so much. Here he seemed- developmentally challenged. And not just immature in the way he deals with girls, but seriously challenged socially and mentally. He is completely clueless on picking up the social cues of others, and not just because he was too confident. But because he just…couldn’t. And aside from a brief fling with Tracy and a poker game with someone he knew somewhat, no friends were mentioned. Really, Bruce? Is that why you try to fill that void in your soul with fast cars and innocent women? We can’t expect the ghostwriters to be that deep.
*Cover done by my amazing friend John who has an uncanny talent for creating fake album/book covers.
Courtesy of The Closet
Oh Lila. Why do you have to be this way? We love your cool, snarky exterior but when you got your own Super Star, we thought we’d see the real Lila, one that was actually cool and smart and had it together. Unfortunately, it took for you to experience sexual assault until you had feelings and dealt with your problems and had emotions.
Mr. Fowler (who I imagine as John Hamm) has a new ladyfriend, Joan, who has a daughter Jacqueline. Fuck, I have to type that name every time. Lila suspects Joan is after her father’s money, because she never pays for anything and they always are staying at Fowler Crest (in the guest room of course!). Lila tries to tell her father but he won’t have it, he’s totally hot for Joan. Lila and her father have an odd relationship, but that’s the most obvious statement ever. Also, did you know that the Fowlers have a housekeeper named Eva? Who Lila has known since she was little? Not like we ever hear from her. And I hope Eva gets a good fucking salary, because you wouldn’t believe the crap she needs to do. Joan and Jacqueline are over for lunch, and Eva has to prepare lobster tails and shrimp cocktail, creme brulee and swan ice sculptures.
Meanwhile, Lila’s got problems of her own. She meets Evan Armstrong as a concert, and decides she’s in love. Evan is nuttin’ special. Kind of a cross between Todd and Ken Matthews, if you can imagine that snoozefest. Problem is, he’s dating some gal named Sonia. Lila enlists Bruce into luring Sonia away. And damn! The sexual tension between Lila and Bruce jumps out of the page. Bruce of course has Sonia dropping her panties at the first revving of 1BRUCE1, and Lila seduces Evan with her womanly wiles.
So, Lila’s scheming to get Evan is pretty much like Joan scheming to get George Fowler, amiryte? You’d think it was a parallel story, right? Let’s not give the ghost writers that much credit. Joan and George leave for the week and leave the gals at Fowler Crest. Jacqueline reveals herself to be a scheming shrew, and steals Lila’s car to go off and jaunt with Lila’s friends who love her.
Finally, Lila is able to reveal Joan’s true intentions by hiding microphones in her dressing room before the wedding, while she conveniently talks about her scheme to marry him and take his money. George apologizes profusely to Lila, and somehow is not too upset, and decides to make the wedding a party for Lila instead. Woopsies! No real adult reactions allowed in Sweet Valley. Meanwhiles, Lila finds out that Evan has been canoodling with Jacqueline, but dumps his ass before he can dump hers. So really, Lila didn’t really learn a lesson, she just got away with her bratty tactics. And the universe is aligned in the world of Sweet Valley.
You know what? I don’t even think Liz was in this book. So it had that going for it.
I don’t think I even need to describe the plot of this. If you’ve seen The Truth About Cats and Dogs, you are all set. Denise and Ginny are best friends who obviously don’t matter because this is the first time they are mentioned. Ginny is shy and mousy, Denise is popular and pretty. Denise is tired of Ginny being such a sack of pathetic shit, so she convinces her to volunteer at Project Youth, where local teens call in the get help with their problems, like which silk jumpsuit to where to Lila’s party. On her shift, Ginny talks to Mike, who is having problems with his new stepdad, and wants to run away from home. Ginny talks him out of it, and Mike is in love with her. He asks to meet in person, and since Ginny is a brunette and “mousy”, knows he will vomit when he sees her. So she convinces Denise to meet him instead and pretend to be her. Mike is really hot and Denise gets all hot for him, so she continues to date him. Mike is a moron and can’t tell that it’s not really Ginny. Denise brings Ginny along for a date, and she and Mike hit it off. Okay, some mixups and tears happen, and Mike figures out what happened and he and Ginny fall in love and suddenly all of Ginny’s self-esteem issues are solved, natch. Also, Mike is not really all that (see cover pic). Also, did you know that Denise Hadley sits with Lila and Jess and the crowd at lunch? Yea, me neither until now.
Meanwhile, Amy Sutton shares with the twins that a girl called the PY hotline complaining that she was being sexually harassed by a teacher. (This is at a school other than SVH. Let’s say it’s Big Mesa. They’ve got all sorts of fucked up stuff going on there, like making the kids go to eight periods a day). Liz gets all in a huff and decides she MUST write an expose on this. Yea, of course Mr. Collins is a bit uncomfortable, but probably thinks it’s some sort of hint from Liz, and goes on and supports it. Liz goes off and makes love to her typewriter, meanwhile Chrome Dome gets word of it and decides to forbif it because…well, he’s the fucking principal and it’s a dinky student newspaper. Liz gets all huffy and claimes that the way the admin is shutting her down is akin to how some girls are shit down by being sexually harassed. Surprisingly, Bruce Patman and Rick Andover were not contacted for a counter-point editorial. Liz decides to print it anyway, on separate paper that she hads out. Ah, the world before blogs. Obvs, the article is so amazing and she is so strong in her convinctions that Chrome Dome backs down and apologizes to Liz profusely.
Let’s get back to Project Youth. What the fuck? Are they really that busy that they have like 5 volunteers at a time manning the phones? Also, they let Amy Sutton answer the phone. That should tell you something. It is also revealed that the Morrows gave a generous donation to Project Youth in memory of Regina. Because “If a teen line had existed sooner, Regina would have had someplace to turn when she was in trouble.” Uhhuh. Also, didn’t the Morrows contribute to the new darkroom? What’s next? A new hamburger at the DB named for Regina?
Some quotes too good to ignore:
Lila being awesome:
“It’s not nothing” Penny cut in. “I’m taking this very seriously.” “So am I,” Elizabeth said. “OK, now we’re all curious,” Enid said with a smile. “What are you two getting so worked up about?” Lila yawned. “Probably something like whether or not to change the typeface in the newspaper.”
Make sure you haven’t eaten anything for the last four hours before reading this.
Todd leaned against the wall and folded his arms. “Sometimes I get the sneaking suspicion that you care more bout your word processor than you do about me.” “Don’t say that!” Elizabeth smiled. “My word processor doesn’t kisss the way you do.” “Yeah, but it’s better at spelling,” Todd murmured,pulling her close for a kiss.
Hey Diablo! I hear you read this blog on occasion, so I thought I’d give this a try. A few days ago I posted my first reactions to the news that you are going to adapt Sweet Valley High into a movie. I have to say I was premature in my judgement. I’m waving the white flag here (or a purple one, if The Unicorns designed it) As far as calling yo0u overrated, that was perhaps kind of hasty as well. I found Juno enjoyable, but I believe what made me kind of annoyed by it was all the hoopla around it- people were quoting it constantly who shouldn’t be quoting it, and it kind of became like Napoleon Dynamite, which is a good movie, but now seems kind of annoying because people quote it too much, you know? I haven’t seen Jennifer’s Body yet, and I do plan to- despite if I enjoy the movie or not, the whole concept is completely awesome.
And then my brain fart- I had totally forgot about United States of Tara, which is fantastic. How could I forget that? And then, reading your twitter posts, you get it. You are one of us! Not someone who will take our beloved book series and make it into some Hollywood rom com or typical teen comedy! You won me over when you told Bruce Patman: “Bruce, you’d better stop lightly touching breasts.” and then you told Liz: “You’ll need to suffer personality-changing skull trauma if you really want to be popular. Now get on that motorcycle.”
Many of us are still holding onto the dream that Sweet Valley Heights will still be published. [Damn you Francine!] I’ve already given up on that, but now I have the new hope that I will see Sweet Valley High on the screen as it should be! From someone who read all the books! From a quick imdb.com check, we are exactly the same age, so I’d imagine we first read the books around the same age, and possible had the same reactions.
I also want to give my support to a woman working in the film industry who doesn’t just write rom com vehicles for Katherine Heigl. Or whose female characters sole purpose is to have a happy ending with a guy. On a shallow note, who also wore leopard print to the Academy Awards, which was so Very.
I know as the writer you don’t have complete control over every aspect of the film, but I am sure the community here has some suggestions for you. I wrote up mine but I can’t publish it here because I’ve already published it at film.com so please check it out over there.
I know that other folks in this community are extremely excited and invested in the idea, and have suggestions as well, and I am sure will leave them in the comments.
Love,
Robin (aka ihatewheat)
Let’s not beat around the bush on this one. Tony Esteban is a fucking idiot. And rarely ever heard from again. And possibly a token non white person, although it was kind of ambiguous.
Tony is the star athlete of the track team (wasn’t that Roger? Never mind.) And his father has high hopes and lives vicariously through Ton because Papa Estaban had a promising football career but then his wife got sick so he had to give it up. Seriously, what a fucking wench. Isn’t that the plot of every book having to do with an athlete?
Tony hurts his knee during a big match and is paranoid that he won’t do well for an upcoming meet where an Olympic coach is looking for recruits. Tony works out at the local gym and hangs out with a gym rat named Lou who gives him “magic vitamins” to make him do better. The fact that Lou likes to hang around with teenage boys at the gym is the first of many red flags.
Tony is dating Annie Whitman. Apparently he doesn’t mind that she’s a dirty whore and dated over two guys in her life. Annjie gets concerned about these “magic vitamins”. Tony is in denial that they are steroids. And seriously, the amount of times “magic vitamins” is printed in this book makes me want to scream. So, Annie has a cousin who is some biology lab mad scientist creates fake placebo pills that she replaces the “magic vitamins’ with to prove to Tony that they are just having a placebo affect. And the writers just shot themselves in the foot with that one because earlier in the book they mentioned that Tony was becoming all aggressive and irritated without him knowing why, so how is that placebo affect?
Meanwhile, Roger has a family friend, a kid named Mitch who is sent to stay with the Patmans because he was misbehaving at home and was caught drinking (and apparently, the Patman estate is liquor free and reeks of high morals). He ends up idolizing Tony and it makes Tony realize that he can’t take steroids because he’s a role model! Or something. And yea, he does the right thing and turns himself into the coach and all this shit and everyone forgives him and Liz takes credit for turning his life around. And Tony’s Dad suddenly is all good and tells Tony that sometimes parents learn lessons from their children and of course isn’t mad. And Annie and Tony smooch and make up.
and OH MY GOD the subplot. Todd is getting annoyed because he and Liz never get any time to themselves so they can spend time not having sex, because they are SO POPULAR that they can never get away from their friends. Life is hard. SO unbeknownst to each other, they both hatch the same plan to kidnap each other to go to a fancy inn for dinner. And Todd has Winston grab Liz, blindfold hwer and force her into his car. Yea, great fucking idea Todd, especially since LIZ WAS ACTUALLY ONCE KIDNAPPED. Way to be sensitive about it. However, Liz doesn’t even seem to make the connection or mention the other kidnapping thus proving that these suck so bad that even the ghostwriters don’t read the ones they don’t write. Surely that came up in an editorial meeting, but someone gave the go ahead because they were too lazy to think of something else.
Thanks you guys for giving the heads up about Diablo Cody obtaining the rights to Sweet Valley High. I was going to get my panties all in a twist because Diablo Cody is severely overrated, but:
- obtaining the rights to something doesn’t mean shit. The rights to Watchmen were obtained 15 years ago. The new Superman movie was in development for ten. There was even some talk about there being a Broadway show based on SVH, but that never happened. I’ll believe it when I see it.
- How would any studio even pick this up? We already have Mean Girls, Gossip Girl, and all that other stuff. Another story about privileged teens doesn’t seem like it would sell. Hey, unless you add some vampires to it!
- The one way this could be totally awesome is if it was filmed in insane camp style like The Brady Bunch movies which totally makes fun of the original source. But I don’t see that happening.
- You already know my casting advice. Malin Ackerman as the twins, Sasha Grey as Lila, Chris Carmack as Bruce.
Every time I read a “Reader of the Month” entry, a little part of my soul dies.
Hi, my name is Jayme _____.
I’m going to save her some dignity and not print her last name on here. I did google her and lucky for us, she turned out okay. She’s an employee benefits consultant, and has three kids. And volunteers at her church’s winter carnival and founded an association for state ambassadors. Hrrrm, sounds a bit Liz Wakefield-ish, no?
I am thirteen years old and entering eighth grade. My favorite subject is English and my least favorite is math.
Math is hard, you guys!
There are several reasons why I love all the Sweet Valley books. One is that they are pretty realistic.
Sigh. [Head in hands.]
I have never been to California before, but from the specific details in the Sweet Valley books, Sweet Valley sounds just like a real place and what I’ve dreamed it to be.
Make up your mind. Is it real or did you dream it?
The Wakefields sound like a fun-loving family that anyone would want to be a part of. I feel like I know what the town of Sweet Valley and the Wakefield’s house, inside and out, look like.
So do I, Jayme, so do I. The Spanish tiles are burned into my mind.
So, in conclusion, to all of the writers and contributors of Sweet Valley books, give yourselves a pat on the back for a job well done.
Well, at least she realizes that there are ghost writers. Who would love nothing more than a condescending congrats from a thirteen year old reader. Wait, I thought there were several reasons she loved the books. What are the other ones, Jayme, WHAT ARE THE OTHER ONES?
In other news, check out my tumblog.
And at least I’ve reached the last of the Taffy Sinclair series. Mind you, this one overlaps with the Fabulous Five series. And let’s just assume that at this point, Bets just handed over a pen to a lowly editorial intern to write this one. I refuse to live in a world where Betsy Haynes produces this garbage. It’s like…a Sweet Valley High book.
To refresh your memory, Taffy just got back from Hollywood where she was filming a tv movie. She’s back in good ol’ Bridgeport, CT but it’s just so hard to adjust! I mean, she’s been to Hollywood! And no one understands what it’s like! She’s really not making it easy to adjust when she joins the video club at school and scoffs at everyone when they don’t know what “blocking” means. And no one believes that she’s friends with Raven Blaine!
Rumor has it that No One Likes Tiffany Stafford is going to be picked up as a tv series. Meanwhile, Taffy tries to adjust to life with her bff, Shawnie Pendergast, who made a new friend whiles she was away. The gal sings in a band, and Taffy plots to take over so she will be in the band. But, meanwhile, her movie is picked up for a tv series, and she has to leave to go back to Hollywood anyway. Ok…the point?
I don’t have anything clever for this one. Except that maybe it was a reject in the Taffy fanfiction contest.
Fuck it you guys, I’m just going to wear pink leggings and heels: Episode 2, “The Big Dance”
Episode 2 and there’s already a dance! What is this, Sweet Valley? Voula is still mad at Steph for prostituting herself for the grade eight presidency, although now she’s getting really snotty about it. In other news, Mr. Voula still won’t let Voula talk to boys or wear non-dresses. Hello Richard Spier! Oh, also we get to meet a new character Lucy. And Lucy likes to dress like this:
It’s like something Stevie Nicks and Steven Tyler had a secret baby that they dumped in the dumpster of a Goodwill store. Really Lucy? Two bandanas? And a batwing logo sweatshirt? I don’t like to rag on people’s personal appearances other than their clothes, but let’s just say…Lucy is unfortunate looking. And I remember my junior high bff going on about how pretty Lucy is. We are no longer friends. That may be why.
We also get to meet Heather and Erica, the frizzy brown haired twins, who are no Elizabeth and Jessica. At least until a few years later until one gets preggers. But I’m getting ahead of myself. These gals speak in unison and generally need dental work and hot oil treatmen, a theme among students at this school. And both of them look about 32. Voula, being the goody goody she is, is sponsoring a foster child and want to present the funds to the organization. Usually the class prez does it, but Steph is just a girl! She can’t do it! Everyone kisses Voula’s ass until she agrees to do it. Only problem is? her dad won’t let her go to the dance.
Also, Steph, stop trying to make pearl bolo ties happen.
Also, Voula, stop trying to make lipstick happen. It’s awkward.
Steph and the twins gather at Lucy’s house to pre-game for the dance. Her parents aren’t home. That’s cool, because that means Lucy can do what she wants. The twins notice the abundance of liquor and brag that they got drunk at their cousin’s wedding. They ask if they can have some and then obnoxiously yell “paaaart-aaay!!” and dig in. Steph comes down just in time from slutting herself up.
I tried to get a screenshot that accurately captured the awesomeness of Steph’s Golden Girl chic. Those are pink leggings. With kitten heels. and two belts intertwined and a silver button down. Claudia Kishi is freeeeaaaking out you guys. Steph also joins in the drinking, and they act just like freshmen at their first frat party.
Voula tricks her dad into letting her go to the dance, saying it’s a meeting about the foster children. She shows up at the dance and it is still light out. Looosers! Meanwhile, Steph and the gang role in drunk. Steph grinds on Wheels until Mr. Raditch, the deejay for the night, tells them to do the “crazy dance”! Steph stops and realizes she needs to ralph. She rushes into the bathroom, her kitten heels slowing her down. Also, Mr. Raditch = Mr. Collins.
Mr. Voula shows up to drag Voula home. Damn her for helping those foster children! But not before Voula can give a disapproving sneer to drunk Steph. The girls check on Steph, and we get a glorious full view of their outfits:
Lucy is dressed as the Flinstones, and Heather (Erica?) is looking to marry into an FLDS clan.
Lucy takes Stephanie home, who laments on how she treated Wheels, who asked her to the dance. She surmises that she will talk to him later “if he’ll talk to her”. Wear another tube top and I’m sure he will.
Guest blogger Neek1981 covers a Girl Talk book, something I would never touch. Apparently I missed out.
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To those of you out there who missed out on the Girl Talk series, it was fuc***g amazing!
The books were about four BFFs who lived in Acorn Falls, Minnesota, which was about as wholesome as Sweet Valley. Up until a few years ago, I thought Minnesota was a wholesome, happy state (until a lady I worked with who was from MN told me it was a sh*thole filled with unemployed people who talk like Frances McDormand in that movie Fargo).
Anyway, the books were about four best friends in the 7th grade. Here they are:
Sabrina Wells, the overzealous girl who loves to shop, read horoscopes, and giggle. One disturbing thing about Sabrina is that she’s obsessed with fashion magazines and subscribes to them religiously. Throughout the series she sometimes says she has baby fat, and even goes on a fruit-only diet at some point, however, she is always described as being petite, and NO ONE else in the books ever calls her overweight. I think she’s a prime candidate for body dismorphic disorder. She reminds me of Jessica Wakefield because she’s such an attention seeker.
Katie Campbell, a blonde, straight A student who color coordinates her socks to match her hair ribbons. Sound like anyone you know? (Ahem, Liz Wakefield, come on dooowwwn!)
Randy Zak, the hip New Yorker with a spiked haircut who dresses like Claudia Kishi but has the personality of Julia Sugarbaker. She always talks about how awesome New York is. I live in NYC, and I don’t think it’s nearly as awesome as people have made it out to be.
Allison Cloud, the exotic-looking girl who is quiet and shy. Can’t think of anything snarky to say about Allison. I like that she’s Native American ’cause I like diversity. I also like her ’cause she’s not conceited about how she looks, even though everyone tells her how gorgeous she is, and she almost became a fashion model in one book (of course!). She reads Elizabeth Barrett Browning and campaigns for saving the earth’s natural resources.
Each book is told in first person from one of the fab four’s perspective. Face Off is told by Katie Campbell who begins the book by describing the perfection of her older sister Emily (kinda reminds me of how every SVH book has at least a dozen paragraphs about the Wakefield gene pool). Emily looks like a Barbie doll and has perfect blonde hair and perfect blue eyes and even her chin is perfect. What the hell is a perfect chin anyway? According to Katie, it’s one that’s not too pointy and not too round, which pretty much describes almost EVERYONE’S chin, but I digress. Aside from being perfect-looking, Emily dates the captain of the football team, and is a pom-pom girl….Oh, hell. Just once, I’d like to read a f*cking kids’ book where the ‘perfect girl’ is NOT a blonde cheerleader. Why can’t she be a hairy legged feminist? Or even better, the perfect girl could be a non-white, non-cheerleader.
Katie is a 7th grade flag girl (which is like a cheerleader in the making). Basically she bounces up down and waves a flag around, however, Katie’s heart isn’t set on flag waving. Her true love is…ice hockey! So after her friend Randy Zak goes all girls-are-just-as-good-as-boys in the cafeteria in front of half the hockey team, Randy coaxes Katie into trying out for the team.
Scottie Silver, the guy Katie has the love jones for, is the captain of the hockey team. He has, get this, blonde hair that curls up around his hockey letter jacket and eyes that crinkle in the corners when he smiles (a.k.a. crow’s feet).
When Katie goes to try out for the team, Coach Budd (yep, that’s what they call him) tells Katie that she cannot try out because there has never been a girl on the team and they aren’t going to have one on there now, damn it!
Katie’s friend Allison, turns all Martin Luther King and basically gives Coach Bud a Let Freedom Ring speech about how Title IX says Katie has some freakin’ inalienable right to try out.
The Coach lets her try out and the guys all gang up on her. Even the ones on her team during the scrimmage hide from her so that she has no one to pass the puck to. Even worse, they beat the s*it out of her! They hip check her, slam her into the boards, and pretty much do everything short of beating her with their sticks in an attempt to scare her off. She goes home black and blue, but survives the tryouts, which last about three days.
One day when Katie is leaving tryouts, Scottie Silver (Mr. Crow’s Feet) comes up to her after having knocked the holy hell out of her on the ice. He says the most hateful things to her about how she should man up if she wants to play a man’s game. She tells him off and says he doesn’t scare her.. And then, he leans over and kisses her. WTF???
After the kiss, he runs away and she walks home with her hand on her cheek and actually considers never washing that cheek again. She calls Sabrina and they talk about the kiss and what it could mean.
Now, one thing I HATE about Girl Talk is the phone conversations. They’re written something like this:
Katie calls Sabrina.
Sam:Hello.
Katie: Hi, can I speak to Sabs?
Sam:Sure. (yells) Blabs, phone for you!
Sabrina:Hi, Katie. What’s up?
Katie:Hi, Sabs. …Well, Scottie SIlver kissed me
Sabrina:AHHHHHH! OMG!!!
It goes on for a whole chapter with Sabrina calling Allison to tell her the news and then Allison calls Randy, and it’s so retarded. They conclude that Scottie hearts Katie.
Oh, did I mention Scottie hangs out with Stacey “the Great” Hansen and her crowd? Stacey Hansen is the principal’s daughter and she’s spoiled and stuck up. Stacey is thirteen, blonde, has never had a pimple in her life. She already wears heels and diamond earrings. She hangs all over Scottie like Jessica Wakefield on a rich transfer student.
The book ends with the big game. Katie steals the puck at the last minute and passes it to Scottie who makes the game winning shot at the last possible second (cliche much?). The fans go wild and actually chant: Katie! Katie!
After the game, Scottie ignores perfect Stacey and offers to walk Katie to Fitzy’s for ice cream. Katie accepts, of course, because if a guy beats you black and blue, it must be love.
Hey Donna, not to single you out, but I’m gonna, but I’m reposting your comment from the request section over here.
Feel free to laugh hysterically at this, but my teenage self is dying to know…is there a real life Sweet Valley?
I will be visiting California in November (I am from Australia)…if anyone knows if Sweet Valley exists geographically (ie if Sweet Valley is based on a real town), I would sooooo love to visit. Given the numerous references to Sweet Valley’s proximity to LA, Malibu and San Diego, I thought SV might have some basis in reality?
Your thoughts and suggestions are appreciated.
Just imagine the shenanigans a non-size six, brunette, Australian girl could have with the Wakefields and their gang.
Thanks in advance!
Donna, I’m not laughing, and I love that a hunt for Sweet Valley is part of your vacation to the States. Now it’s time to break your heart: there is no such town as Sweet Valley. OUCH! Now you must feel like Jeffrey French.
HOWEVS, I do know that there are Southern California towns in the area in the areas that you mentioned that would closely represent Sweet Valley, complete with sparkling blue beaches, shopping malls, burger joints, privileged blond teenagers, large mansions, and a split-level house or two. So, the basis for Sweet Valley didn’t just get pulled out of Francine’s well-toned ass.
Problem is, I’m a Northern California inhabitant and don’t know the rest of California, so I was thinking we can help Donna out? Those of you that know SoCal, maybe you know of some Sweet Valley-esque small towns? That way Donna can get a feel for what Sweet Valley must be like. Maybe I can even arrange for some folks to pat your shoulder or have you kidnapped by an orderly.
Guess what, SVH administrators have found a way for students to spend even less time in classes; each period is shortened by 5 minutes so they can have a special two-week workshops. The big thing on everyone’s mind is which class should they take? Lila’s doing dressmaking, and Elizabeth is taking painting, so Enid bribed the principal to also put her in painting. And Olivia decides to take painting because she appreciates art but never really took the time to create it. WHAT? This is blowing my mind! Isn’t Olivia’s whole identity based on her being artsy fartsy and folksy? Really? I’m not going to let this bother me, because barely through Chapter One and Olivia is whining to Liz that she really wishes she had a boyfriend and how her life would be better if she had someone.
Liz takes this opportunity to pity Olivia while simultaneously being smug about how awesome it is that she has a boyfriend like Jeffrey. Liz iof course is preoccupied with Olivia’s need for a boyfriend, and talks about it with whomever would listen. Because she’s such a good friend and cares about her well-being. Excuse me, I meant HAS TO PITY THOSE THAT ARE NOT HER.
Enter Stuart Bachman, the art teacher for the workshop. He’s a local artist. Hold up here- is Sweet Valley REALLY where he wants to live? If he’s such an up and coming artist, why doesn’t he move to LA? He probably is hypnotized by the perfect beaches and the existence of one mall and the five restaurants, and two nightclubs in Sweet Valley. Olivia goes bananas over Stuart. Batshit insane. Really. She drools when she looks at him, always offers to clean up and set up, and constantly asks him to critique her work. She also manages to snag his address from the alumni origination from where he went to school (well done for a pre-google world) and stops by his house. Yikes! He is really patient with her and even lets her hang around in his house for a bit. He asks her to come to his gallery opening on Friday and says he has a big surprise for her. It’s also Olivia’s birthday on Friday, so she is stoked, and thinks his surprise is either (a) his dick (b) a date to the Box Tree Cafe (c) his declaration of his love for her and (d) all of the above.
Elizabeth is…wait for it….concerned about Olivia. She thinks Olivia is acting way crazy, and that she should know that Stuart is out of her league…woops, she means too old for Olivia. At first Enid doesn’t believe Liz and thinks she’s overreacting. Then Liz pulls Enid into her plan to spy on them, and Enid sees what a douche Olivia is being, and swears she’ll never doubt Liz again. And then goes home and shoves bamboo strips under her fingernails.
Stuart Bachman
Olivia goes to the gallery opening all a-flutter. She even bought a new purple silk jumpsuit for the occasion (Cameltoe city). She sees Stuart with his fiance, and freaks out and runs out of the room. There she sees that Stuart included one of her paintings in the gallery, which was his surprise. Luckily Olivia bucks up, and realizes what a shithead she’s been. In a split second, she gets over her lust for Stuart and thanks him for including her. He tells her she has “promise” as an artist. Except until she gets crushed by a fridge. Oops, did I spoil that for you? Too bad.
Let’s go back to this workshop thing for a quick sec, mmkay? Jessica gets STUCK in an electronics workshop. Mind you, she put that as her second choice, because she assumed it would be mostly boys. Well, it is, but it’s nerds like Winston (natch) and computer geek Randy Mason. Oh the horror! Jessica is trying hard not to cry. Poor Jessica. This may actually be worse than the time she was almost killed several times and all her boyfriends were murdered. However, the thing that is most horrid about this whole thing is that it is an ELECTRONICS workshop. What does that even MEAN? Each student has to work on their own project. Jeffrey is designing a computer game, Winston is building a singing toaster, and Randy is making a spaceship or something. How are those even related? Are these students just supposed to know how to do this? With no prior experience? Or even a concept of how circuits work” Christ, this irks me. One of my per peeves (are you keeping count?) is when in movies are shows, technology, computers and electronics are oversimplified. The first Mission Impossible movie is the worst offender. The Ving Rhames character is at a computer to help Tom Cruise, break into the supercomputer, and he types in “overide security system” and presses “ENTER”. THE FUCK? Did he design that program? How did he format it to make sure it worked? That drives me crazy!
Little known fact: the character of Don Draper is based on George Fowler.
Jessica has no idea what to make because electronics are for nerds and she’s just a GIRL. Meanwhile, Lila is flapping at the mouth about how her father is currently dating a famous movie star. Jessica doesn’t believe her and thinks Lila is doing it for attention. Wow, George Fowler gets around. I’ll bet he met her at a party celebrating a new microchip he just invented. So, with about three days left of the workshop, Jess decides to build a lie detector. Because it’s just that easy! Well, our Jess has a plan. She’ll flirt with Randy Mason and convince him to do it for her. Did I just eat a brain tumor for breakfast, or was this a plot line from another book? Where she convinces Randy to do her schoolwork for her? Oh, Randy.
I’ve purposely tried to stay away from posting about current films and movies, because once I open that can of worms, I’ll post everyday about some sci fi stuff I want you to watch. However, I am rejoicing because The Last Days of Disco is finally being released on dvd! Hallelujah! This was in the theaters for about five seconds in 1998. It’s the third film by Whit Stillman, who makes movies about rich white hip people that love to hear themselves talk. It’s like Bret Easton Ellis without the extreme violence. And it is fucking fantastic! I think folks here would love it because he captures the 80s so well!
I don’t know why his films captivate me so much. They have no morals, not much plot, and involve people that incredibly self-absorbed. It’s what Sweet Valley High COULD be if the ghostwriters were competent. You’ll either love or hate the characters. If anything, you will love the 80s fashion! Chloe totally rocks the sequin tube top.
TLDOD (as us superfans call it) is his third film. The one before this is Barcelona, which was enjoyable, but not quite as super fucking fantastic as his first film, Metropolitan; A kid from the Upper East Side home on break from college accidentally gets swept into the world of New York Socialites. I’m pretty sure Cecily Vonwhatevs ripped off Metropolitan when she wrote Gossip Girl.
First of all, if you are trying to tell me the girl in the striped shirt is fat, then we are in trouble. Secondly, Linda Perl, you need a good editor to help you with your writing. There was way too many ideas going on for a single book. Sarah lives in California with crazy hippy parents. They don’t mention it, but you know it’s Berkeley. Ah, those were the days when Berkeley was the alternative center of the universe, instead of what it has turned into: old, aging hippies, clueless college students, and yuppies with their expensive strollers. But I still love it (I’m East bay for life).
This gal, Sarah, has an older brother and their thang is they make alphabet burgers. As in A is for Avacado Burgers, B is for Bacon burgers, etc. Sarah is also ashamed of her parents when they move in a garbage truck to Rhode Island or Maine or somewhere similar. Sarah meets the titular Glenda, who is not only fat but is the town scapegoat because of said fatness and her social awkwardness. She’s the kind of girl you want to feel bad for, but she doesn’t make it easy for herself (not talking about her weight, but her extreme neediness and lack of social savvy. Then again, Gelnda’s kind of fun, and kids are really mean.) Sarah actually finds most of the kids boring, and actually appreciates Glenda’s loyalty as a friend. Then there’s some drama about Halloween and a plot to ruin a garbage statue that Sarah’s parents sculpted on their front lawn.
We also are given a glimpse into Glenda’s fucked up relationship with her perfectionist mother and Glenda’s sad attempt at seducing Sarah’s older brother. At the end, Sarah ends up moving away again but promises to write to Glenda. We are supposed to be happy that Glenda finally has a friend, but now she’s moving away? Why punish this character even more? Also, as I said, there are too many tidbits in this book, I’ve never read anything so unfocused.
I do seem to remember a sequel where Glenda loses weight by eating only three meals a day with nothing in between. Hence an inspiration for the diet I went on in high school, and lost 50 pounds as well as my healthy relationship with food and a healthy self-image. Woopsies! I guess I should blame Lila Perl for 15 years of my life I will never get back.
Shelly: Hey do you like this hideous shirt that none of us would ever wear but makes a good reference to the plot device?
Dana: Well, a a sophisticated gal from New York City whose mother is a fashion buyer, I am truly offended this is in my presence. I’m going to call Laine Cummings.
Faith: I am a sassy black girl, so you need to talk to the hand!
Shelly: Really y’all, why won’t you humor a country bumpkin like me? Remember, we PROMISED to tell the truth for the whole weekend!
Dana: Wait, why did we promise to do that again?
Shelly: Shelly, don’t you remember? Allison, who is our dorm mother, had her cousin visiting. She was doing a sociology experiment to see what happens when people tell the truth all the time.
Faith: is that even ethical? And is that even sociology? Why is our dorm mother using us so her cousin can do her homework?
Dana: Who cares? it will be sure to get us into some hijinks that will create drama for us and make us the center of attention in our dorm.
Shelly: Yea, like how I’ll just happen to be walking by the headmistress’ house when she has a heart attack, and then I drive her to the hospital and drive her car home, people will think I stole her car and I’ll be grounded, but I won’t tell the truth because I promised someone’s cousin I wouldn’t!
Dana: yea, and it will probably cause some sort of love triangle for me, which I love being known for.
Faith: Fuck that noise. I just need to get through the weekend without revealing to Shelley that her dumb country girl act is getting old.
Shelly: Well, whatever happens, we certainly won’t be doing any homework, and life suuuuure will be more interesting here at Canby Hall! Where we live! Where all the fun happens!
Dana: Well, despite not being ethical and causing so much trouble, we should probably stick out the experiment, because I am sure we will all learn a big lesson and it will just make our friendship stronger.
Faith: I know! And did we mention that it’s amazing how the three of us are all great friends, even though we are so different?
