The Dairi Burger

I included both covers. I guess the first one came out and they realized that the people looked about 37 years old.

This is one of those examples of when the book was way better in my memory than in real life. As we know, Ann is a terrif writer, but she must have spewed this one out to fullfill a contract. It’s like a hodgepodge of discarded BSC plotlines. Here’s the scoop: Melanie’s family vacations on Fire Island every summer and she meets this boy Justin and they have the titular summer romance. He is all mysterious about himself and when the school year starts she finds out he actually is about to star in a sitcome and becomes a teen idol. Melanie is mad that he did not reveal this to her (yes, teenagers would be SO ANGRY if they were dating a teen idol) so she tracks him down and they live happily ever after.

Melanie is quite irritating. She is eternally chipper and chatty. When Justin asks her out, she runs home to her family and announces it and makes a big deal. Maybe it’s just me that thinks this is weird, because I was never one to reveal all the details of my dating life (what existed of it) to my whole family. Justin is like a combination of Tobey (Stacy’s boyf from Sea City) and Zac Efron. At least in my mind. They hang out on the beach, eat French fries, go clamming and walk around. I guess they have fun but it’s nothing extraordinatory. Except that they drop the l-bomb after three weeks. When they are out, Justin holds Melanie’s hands between his and calls is a “hand sandwich”. As soon as I read that again the memories of that line came flooding back. Justin is a tool.

The family who has the house next to Melanie’s on fire island has three kids the same age as the kids in Melanie’s family, and they all are “summertime best friends”. This is puzzling, because these are a lot of characters to introduce that are never heard from again. Mel’s sbff is Lacey, who is from New York City, so you know that means according to Ann M.- she is uber-sophisticated and hangs out at the Met and the Empire State Building and shops at Bloomingdale’s every day.

Also, Mel’s kind of a bitch for designating her best friends as her “summer” bf and her “regular” bf.

Lacey does keep it real- she gets a little miffed that Mel gets a boyfriend because Melanie won’t shut up about it she feels like it is going to change things between them. Lacey I hear you- I still kind of feel that way about my friends.

So back during the school year Melanie goes on bland dates with a guy PJ and he asks her to go steady, but she can’t because she just! can’t! stop! thinking! about! Justin! She and Lacey try to track him down by using the phone book. Yikes! How eighties of them! That’s the other thing- at the end of the summer, Justin did not give Melanie his contact info saying he moves around a lot and that he’ll take hers and call her when he gets settled. That’s his 1987 15-year-old way of saying “I’m just not that into you.”

Justin is on a sitcom that, by the way it is described, sounds like a cross between Family Matters and Step by Step. In other words, hilarious.

Melanie visits Lacey in the city during the school year and reads in a magazine that the cast of the show will be appearing at Lincoln center so she drags Lacey there, and I am sure that Lacey is fucking thrilled to be Mel’s wingman AGAIN. She sees Justin there and asks him for his autograph, and when he sees it’s Melanie, he writes “I love you” and his phone number. Even when my nine-year-old self was reading this, I found all the love talk weird. Maybe I was just really cynical about it then too.

So they meet up once again in the city and Justin gives her a bag of sand from Fire Island to remember when they met. Vomit.

Ann can totally do better- and has. What is with her obsession with Fire Island? That is where the Russo’s went in Eleven Kids, One Summer. And where the BSC go a couple of times.

I’m sad to see the demise of the fantastic blog BSC Headquarters, and because of it I haven’t really ventured into rereading my BSC books. I don’t plan on rereading all of them (I’ve got my hands full with the twins and Caitlin) but I am going to occasionally reminisce about the memorable moment for me. Little known fact: I only really read up to #45 (For me, Kristy organizing the baby parade really jumped the shark). I wanted to share what I find to be the without a doubt, best BSC book ever, and should I DARE say one of the best YA series books ever.

Are you ready for it?

Keep reading →

ACT I

Scene 1: The Wakefield’s split-level, Spanish-tiled house. A party celebrating Liz’s return from her crazy orderly captor.

NICHOLAS MORROW: Liz, I’ve taken one look at you and your perfect California looks, you’re ill-cut feathered bangs, and I’ve fallen deeply and madly in love with you. I must have you at any cost.

ELIZABETH WAKEFIELD: Wow, that is not all inappropriate considering a creepy man just kidnapped me and said the same thing. But he fed me frozen pancakes.

NM: Oh, I’m very rich and good-looking.

EW: In that case…wait! I’m in love with Todd!

NM: Fuck Todd I want you.

EW: Well, you are feeding my ego, so yes, I’ll go out with you secretly.

Scene 2: Enid Rollins’ pathetic fucking non-Spanish tiled house.

ENID ROLLINS: (answering the phone): Hello?

EW: Enid, omg! What am I going to do? This is SUCH a disaster!

ER: Ok, I’ve cleared my schedule. I’ve canceled visiting my dying grandmother to talk to you.

EW: Oh my gaaaawd! Nicholas is like totally in love with me! And he’s so rich and good-looking! But I am supposed to be in love with my good-looking boyfriend Todd! Two guys are in love with me! Life is SO HARD!

ER: Wow, that IS a huge problem. I mean, forget that I have a drunk father, I once almost killed a kid, and I was born with frizzy brown hair, how can you stand to be you! [puts a gun to her head]

Act II- at The Cote D’Or, a posh restaurant an hour outside of Sweet Valley

Scene 1- back of the house

WAITER: If I have to make one more pat of butter look like rose petals I am going to quit.

BUSBOY: If I have to clean up after one more of these waspy couples, I am going to scream. Wtf is with this place? Cote d’Or means Gold Coast in French. We should be serving fried chicken skins in a basket.

WAITER: Oh jeez. I have to go check on table number 3, which is some rich daddy’s boy and his underage date. Shoot me now.

Scene 2: front of the house

NM: So computer, computers, computers…my daddy’s Ferrari, computers, my deaf sister, computers….

EW: writing, writing, writing, my sister, journalism, writing, being boring….

NM: Well, do you love me now that’s I’ve tried to buy your affection?

EW: Nope, you’re actually quite boring…. and I’ve gotten the ego boost I need…Omg! Is that Todd? What is he doing here?

Todd Wilkins: (approaching the table) Liz? is that you??? Why are you cheating on me????

EW: No, asshole, it’s Jessica.

TW: Phew! I know Liz wouldn’t cheat on me. She’s the patron saint of morals.

ACT III

Scene 1: The basketball game

TW: Well, I’m glad that I found out that Nicholas and Elizabeth had a date without causing any drama or anything. I’m just going to fuck up the entire basketball game.

Scene 2: boy’s locker room

NM: Glad I could talk to you in here Todd, where the half-naked men are.

TW: hold on, let me lather up. Can you get my back?

NM: I wanted to tell you that I tried to get into Liz’s pants, but there’s a double padlock on her crotch with “Todd Wilkins” written all over it.

TW: Okay, I’ll let it go this time, because I know Liz would NEVER cheat on me again.

Scene 3: outside the school

EW: Oh Toddie! I never meant to hurt you! Will you ever forgive me?

TW: Well, I wasn’t going to, but I talked to Nicholas about it and..uh…well, those luscious lips, that Greek-god sculpted body, the….uh, I mean he was honest with me.

EW: Great! I’d never cheat on you! And I am 100% sure this is the last time we will ever fight or one of us will be jealous!

Ads for the Caitlin Love Trilogy series starting appearing in the back of the SVH books and I was foaming at the mouth to read them. Of course, because they took place at a boarding school. And you all know how I feel about boarding schools.

The cover I found was the one pictured above, but I remember the copy I owned way back when had an actualy photograph of Caitlin, and I remember she was wearing a white peasant shirt and had a huge need for some hot oil treatment.

Well, well, where can I even start to explain the intense, complex entity that is Caitlin Ryan? Think Jessica Wakefield, but brunette (oh sorry- “raven-haired”) and a trust fund. Caitlin goes to Highgate Academy, a waspy boarding school in rural Virginia. She was raised by her grandmother after her parents died when she was a baby. Grams is a mining magnate and is killing the earth one day at a time. Grams is not very affectionate towards Caitlin because Caitlin killed her mother by coming out of her.

Caitlin’s family had a long history of owning plantations, and that is supposed to impress us?

Because Caitlin lives a loveless, but materialistic life, she is looking for that one man that will fulfill her life. I think that Francine decided that this makes for a romantic story, but seriously, for me, it translates to Caitlin needing the admiration of others and attention from boys to validate herself. Not very romantic. Kind of sad. Good one, Francine.

Jed Michaels is the new guy from Montana, and he is extremely bland and has kind of an accent. In other words, Caitlin is getting her panties in a twist over him. However, he doesn’t fall at her feet so what the fuck is wrong with him? His cousin Emily is also at Highgate and they have a friend Diana Chasen who is a SCHOLARSHIP GIRL!!! Oooooh, I’ll bet she wears ragged pants and has dirt smeared on her face. She’s also ultra shy, and Jed feels protective of her. Caitlin gets really annoyed about this, but to tell you the truth, I’m kind of on her side. Diana like, needs someone to cut her meat for her.

Caitlin has a super special magical party at Grams’ house one weekend under the guise of nabbing Jed, but Diana gets all needy and he spends the time with her. Caitlin is all pissed because she put on her best leather pantsuit for him. Yes, that’s what she wore.

She also tries to nab Jed by taking him riding and having the world’s most boring conversations with him. Seriously, I have more game than Caitlin. There’s also a lot of horse talk in this one, I guess to appeal to girls with the generalization that girls love horses. Fun fact: I hate horses, always have. In fact, I may have a little phobia. I don’t like animals that are bigger than humans, I feel like they could overcome humans in a matter of minutes.

At one point Caitlin gets pissed because Jed seems to be paying more attention to her horse than him. Fuck.

There’s also a pointless fundraiser that Caitlin puts on, which is a male beauty pageant. The guys dress as farmers and Napoleon and other gay stuff. One guy does drag and he of course wins. You all know how I feel about using drag for comedy, so I’m not touching that.

Are you ready for the big drama? Diana babysits for the headmaster because the school has to further alienate her by parading her socioeconomic status around. Caitlin goes to borrow a pitchfork for the pageant and leaves the shed open on the family’s property and the kid goes in and eats poison wheat or something. So the kid is on a coma and Diana is so ashamed she drops out of school and rumor has it she’s in…public school! Oh the horror! Caitlin doesn’t tell anyone she was responsible because she’ll never get Jed in her clutches.

BUT! Since Caitlin is acting all mopey and depressed about her guilt, that only makes Jed want her MORE! So, the moral of the story is, if you are beautiful, you’ll always get your way no matter what. Jed and Caitlin have a picnic, swap some spit, and then are throwing out the “I love yous” after about five minutes.

She decides not to tell Jed about her secret because she’s a narcissistic maniac and decides its more important to have his attention than to come clean. Hundred bucks say that at some later book he finds out.

Quotey time!

Caitlin’s house: “Caitlin noticed the three of them looking around the impressive interior, taking in the beauty of the high-ceilinged hall with its crystal chandelier, the graceful, curving staircase, the priceless oil paintings on the walls, the Persian carpet on the gleaming marble floor, the Chippendale side chairs, and Hepplewhite ball table.” Wow, twelve year olds really care about Chippendale chairs.

Jed’s taking lessons from Patman!

“I love you, Jed.” She let him pull her closer, and his mouth covered hers, she was enveloped again in a dizzying cloud of happiness, until his hand slid slowly , gently over her breast and down the curve of her hip. She tensed. The subtle pressure of his hand made her aware of where they were heading. Racy!

“Caitlin drew her fingers through her long, black hair, pulling it away from her face in a way she knew was becoming, yet seemed terribly innocent.” Isn’t Caitlin a peach?

I don’t want to knock it too much, but wtf is up with the Newport News catalog? Yes, yes, so maybe I do own a tunic or two from them, but it seems very stuck in the eighties, and not in a retro kind of way. Like they still promote embroidered jeans as their essential piece. Also, it seems like they looted Lisette’s and Foxy Mama after the Sweet Valley earthquake destroyed the mall and decided to start a mailorder business. I think every line of clothes should be named after an SVH character.

The LIZ collection

The JESSICA collection

Featuring the Jessa Fields line:

The LILA collection

Daddy Fowler totally brought back this suit from Paris (only Lila would wear a belt on the beach):

On clearance:

The OLIVIA look:

LYNNE HENRY look:

Taking a little snark break to remember an oldie but goodie. Man, I must have read this book hundreds of times. It reminded me a lot of Nothing’s Fair in Fifth Grade. The main character, Lissa, was only in fifth grade but had a pretty strong voice and seemed so grown up to me. I can totally remember the plot like I just read it yesterday.

There’s this bitchy popular girl named Debra who always needs to be the center of attention (a Jessica Wakefield in-training, if you will). She creates a cheerleading team for their school’s soccer team. Lissa is not asked to join, and takes her little brother to the soccer game. He ends up humiliating the cheerleaders, and Debrea decides she has it out for Lissa.

So Debra creates a super-exclusive club called FUNCHY and invites everyone but Lissa. Lissa finally infiltrates and finds out the secret- that the club really means fun lunches, where people share lunch- and calls bullshit on Debra and makes others see what a little snot she is. I remember the ending being where al Debra’s club starts leaving and she has a little hissy fit.

The plot was more about remaining true to yourself and your friends, not doing things just because others are doing it, and the importance of family. Fuzzy hugs and rainbows!

I just finished the first book in the Caitlin series and omgf, what a doozie. I haven’t had time yet to do a review but I HAD to post the back cover description. Make sure you have an empty stomach.

Caitlin. Beautiful. Dazzling. Charming. Outrageous. Rich. Unfrorgettable. And very, very clever.

To everyone at her exclusive boarding school, she seems to have it all. But there is a secret need that haunts her life.

A need for love.

And only one boy can make her forget her cold home life can fullfill her need for love: handsome, sensitive Jed Michaels. Jed, who has already given his heart to another girl.

Still, headstrong Caitlin is determined to win him for herself, one way or another. But then a tragedy occurs, a terrible event that has such far-reaching consequences that not even the incomparable Caitlin can deal with them….

Loving is the first in a series about the stubborn, raven-haired beauty, Caitlin. There’s never been a heroine like her.

Ihatewheat. Sick to her stomach. Repulsed. Rolling her eyes. And very, very ready to tear this book a new one.

I’ve decided to go old school and go back to the early numbers I haven’t recapped yet. Before I rip into the content, this might be one of the best (worst) covers ever. Firstly, it looks like they took Jessica’s head from the Double Love cover and glued it on another body. And that two-tone bikini! Straight out of the Newport News catalog! Bill looks big, dopey and scary. I know Jessica is supposed to be slender, but he looks out of proportion. He’s trying to impress Jess with his armpit aroma. Also, is there a Sweet Valley Surf club? Methinks not. Finally, the awesome part. It looks like cover model was William Zabka, famous for playing the high school asshole in classic teen movies. You know, the blond ringleader of Cobra Kai. Hit it, Joe Esposito!

And now for the er,um…plot. Hit it, Mariah! At the end of the last book, Bill was in love with Elizabeth, but while Elizabeth was in her coma-induced slut mission, Jessica tricked Bill into going out with her and made him fall in love with her. Don’t question, just go with it. So now Bill and Jessica have the lead in a school play and he is hopelessly in love with her and she eats it up. But has no real interest in him and strings him along. Why is she doing this? “I’m only getting him back for ignoring me in the beginning.” Let’s all say it in unison: Jessica is a SOCIOPATH! Ugh. And Bill likes her because Jessica looks like his old girlfriend Julianne who died tragically a few years back. Boo-fucking-hoo.

However, DeeDee Gordon is also in love with Bill, but he sees her as just a friend, and someone who he is teaching to surf. You know that DeeDee is a fucking loser because she has brown hair and freckles. Finally Bill realizes that Jess is a douchebag maniac and realizes that the very thing he is looking for is something he can’t see. And she is just fine being second choice. Hit it, Vanessa!

Oh, DeeDee’s dad is a famous movie producer and he is bringing his producer friend to the play to scout some talent. Pshaaahhhh! Jessica of course thinks they mean her but really they want to nake Bill is a star, but he’s not sure he wants the moviestar life. “Come on” the producer says. “I can get your great roles in The Karate Kid one AND two, plus a featured role on Just One of the Guys.”

As much as Francine depicts the girls horribly in these books, she’s not really too keen on the men. The boys in these books are seriously interchangeable, and have no distinguishable personalities and are really just playthings of the girls. When they do have distinctive personalities, it’s to be a misogynist asshole (Bruce) or a nerdy loser (Winston). The only way to tell the guys apart is which sport they play.

The other dreadful plotline is that Liz is jealous of an old girlfriend of Todd’s that transfers to SVH and they fight about it and Liz gets all insecure until Todd has to profess how perfect she is and how in love he is with her before she feels better. VOMIT. Did they really get this annoying so early? The gal is Patsy Webber, who could be a supermodel, apparently. “Patsy looked too sophisticated to be in high school. She was wearing a straw-slim skirt belted with a wide leather sash around her tiny waist and delicate high heels. Her coppery-red hair was cut fashionable short in back, with a tumble of curls that dipped over her forehead. A pair of slanted green eyes regarded Elizabeth with friendly interest.” First of all, that haircut sounds dreadful. Second of all, she’s dressed like a hooker at the Paramus Mall in New Jersey.

This one was so quote-tastic, so here we go:

When Jessica sees Bill and DeeDee at the beach together, she determinedly set off down the beach. Aware of the stares she was getting in her bronze, wet-look bikini, she added a slight swing to her hips, for the benefit of the male audience. Ugh. What’s wet-look? That must be an eighties thing.

Oh also, Jessica orders a cheeseburger, double fries, and chocolate milkshake at the DB, but is scared that it may make her breakout. Remember when people thought acne was caused by junk food? Oh, the eighties.

“You’re in love with Liz, and she’s Jessica’s twin,” Bill defended weakly. “Jessica’s not Liz,” Todd said. “They may look alike, but that’s where the similarity ends.” Has Todd been reading the other books?

Lois Waller has nothing to do with this plot, but they had to have her make an appearance so that they can ridicule her. The nerd brigade (Olivia, Enid, and Lois) roll up into the parking lot and Lois is “always trying so hard to impress people and be the center of things.” And Jessica ISN’T? “Please, spare me the cracks about being blind,” Lois chimed in, blinking behind the thick glasses she wore. They were always slipping down her nose, no matter how often she poked them back into place. “I can’t even find my way out of the shower without my glasses!” Heh! O misfortune for not being blond, size six and blessed with aqua-marine eyes with perfect 20/20 vision! Is there even a book in the series where Lois gets some plotline? Or is she just there as a cautionary tale of what happens when you are not a Wakefield?

There’s an actual mention of sophomore year! The neverending junior year time continuum explodes!

The plot of the play they are in is: “Deanie tries to commit suicide by drowning herself and afterward, her boyfriend, Bud, feels so guilty he can hardly live with himself.” A little heavy for high school? Wtf, school board?

I think this ghostwriter is still bitter that she did not score a job writing harlequin romances and is taking one last shot at impressing them:

“Bill…” DeeDee murmed weakly. She was stopped from saying anymore by the warm, gentle pressure of Bill’s lips against hers. DeeDee forgot that she was half drowned and shivering from the cold. She forgot that her head was throbbing as if she’s charged straight into a brick wall. The only thing she was aware of was the wet, salty warmth of Bill’s kiss. Heat flooded through her. Her frozen toes and fingers tingles as they thawed. She sighed-a long, shuddery sigh- as Bill gathered her to him in a sandy embrace. With her cheek pressed to his strong chest, she could hear the steady hammering of his heart. A strange, floaty feeling crept over her. None of what was happening seemed real somehow. Was she dreaming it? His lips were moving over her hair, gently brushing agaist her cheek. His mouth closed over hers once again. At that moment they were caught in a sudden surge of white water. It swirled around them, sending up fans of foamy spray. DeeDee forgot how threatening the sea had seemed such a short while agao. Now the water felt teasing and delicious as it fizzed over her body, mingling with the salty taste of Bill’s kiss.

I’ve been reading A Conderacy of Dunces, and for one, wondering why I never read it before now, and two, have taken to having Ignatius J. Reillyesque outburts as I read SVH books. My thought about reading the above passage was “can I believe this revolting offense to literature? What an abortion to the eyes!”

I’ve got a wicked case of the Mondays. I discovered this avatar creator while secretly watching South Park episodes off the website at my desk at work.

And a reader submission from Christopher: ENID!

And guess who?

I didn’t reread this one, but it totally popped into my mind. I got it from those book order catalogs that you would get in school. The other kids would get the sticker posters and the Dynamite magazines, but I would get a shitload of books. Because my parents were good like that. This was one. The sixth grade were having a sleepover (dur) and the main character is anxious about it because she is deathly afraid of the dark and doesn’t want anyone to know about it. Not going is apparently not an option, besides, why miss out on all the fun? She and her best friend go shopping for new pajamas, which they described in detail, which is a requirement for mentioning any clothes in a YA book. And then she goes to the sleepover and does ok, but spends half the night in the bathroom. I know there were other people to help her through it and she triumphs in the end.

I thought the idea of a school sleepover was fantastic, and I got my wish in eight grade when my jr high had an Awake-a-thon, where we all stayed awake for a whole night in the gym for charity. I don’t know whose bright idea that was, it is not really healthy for kids to stay up all night. I remember mostly dancing to Paula Abdul on someone’s boom box to pass the time. I came home and fell asleep in my breakfast, head first, just like on tv.

I actually like the way Enid is depicted here. I like her full (healthy) face and think she looks pretty. Don’t love the hairstyle and the pink/green outfit combo, but you win some and lose some.

I decided to read this one because Enid is so often depicted as Elizabeth’s “yes” girl that I have been lying awake at night wondering what ENID’s hopes and dreams are. Well, the twins have their own chapters from their POV in this one. Enid can’t even get a whole book to herself!

Magically, it is Christmastime again. Not to be mistaken with the MS hoax or the psycho killer Christmases, mind you. Liz is fucking moping around because Todd is going to Vermont for the break. GET OVER IT. Really. She’s like so depressed about it and mopes the entire time. He’ll be gone for about 8 days. Liz, why don’t you cheat on him, that always seems to make you feel better.

So Liz is depressed so Enid of course feels it is her personal duty to be there for Liz and drop everything to make her feel better. Enid gushes how luuuuucky she is to be friends with Liz, because “she was warm and friendly and everyone at school likes her”. Once, when Enid was a raging alcoholic wildchild, she would never DESERVE the friendship of someone like Liz. Enid got high freshman year and drove around with a guy named Brian and they killed a kid. Yet another thinly veiled reason to scare kids off alcohol and drugs.

Oh barf: “Enid didn’t have a boyfriend at the moment. Recently she broke up with Hugh Grayson. It would be fun to go shopping, see movies, and just hang out with Elizabeth. Romance was special, but so was best-friendship.” Seriously, Enid has a really unhealthy obsession with Elizabeth. For her Christmas present, Enid buys her a silk, heart-shaped box. Um.

What else is going on in pathetic Enid’s life: oh yea, her parents are divorced, and her father is coming into to town but her mother is bad mouthing her father to Enid. Enid meets him at his hotel, and realizes he is already drunk before noon. She calls him out on it and tells him his drinking is out of control, he tells her “I remember a time when you enjoyed a drink or two.” BAM! HE WENT THERE!

Also, Enid has been hanging out with Jeffrey French, but it seems all he wants to do is talk about Elizabeth. Elizabeth, being the egomaniac she is, brings cookies to Jeffrey on Xmas Eve, and further torments him so he can still be in love with her. HATE. LIZ. SO. MUCH. Enid’s pissed because she came over to Jeffrey’s in her very special Xmas outfit, which consisted of “a white turtleneck, swingy red skirt, and green headband.” Welcome to third grade, Enid. And her present to Jeffrey, a quart of ice cream (wtf? Please don’t ask.) Enid finally starts to get mad at Elizabeth for always having to be the center of attention and making it all about her.

Furthermore, she sees Jeffrey and Liz together at the Xmas party, so she finally gets some ovaries and gets mad at Liz, and goes of with her friend Brian, a guy from her “wild past”. They get high and drunk at Miller’s point.  Jess meets a guy at the party and five minutes later she drags him to Miller’s point- and she calls people a slut? She sees Enid all sloshed and immediately runs back to the party to gossip about it. When she gets back everyone calls her a fucking idiot for not helping Enid. Hah hah. Also, why in the holy hell are these kids so uptight about alcohol and drugs? It’s one of the most unbelievable aspects of the books.

Enid and Brian go for a joyride and then drive off and Brian flips the car. Luckily, Enid’s father gets there just in time to save them from the exploding car! Plus, he’s cured! He’s going to rehab! Everything is perfect! It’s the miracle of Christmas!

So Jeffrey is suddenly over Liz, he and Liz have a hearty chuckly over their painful breakup, and he realizes that he maybe does like Enid, but Enid actually grows bigger ovaries and decides she doesn’t just want to be Jeffrey’s alternative to Liz. So it ends with their relationship up in the air. Hundred bucks says their realtionship is never mentioned again.

Enid really needs to get a new idenity other than Liz’s best friend. Actually, Enid with a substance abuse problem is waaaayyyy more interesting than Enid the sycophant.

Nothing excited me more in my YA series reading that a super special. I didn’t even imagine they could exist until my mother brought home the Baby Sitters on Board from the BSC where they all go on a cruise and then to Disney World. How timely! It was only a few months before my family was planning to pack up the station wagon and make the 27 hour drive to orlando. I even tried keeping a trip diary like the baby-sitters did, but I stopped when entries consisted of “drove for hours. Ate at Denny’s. Again.”

Since then, I would eagerly await the super special. Why was it so special? Having all your favorite characters interact in a new and complex location with new, even more unbelievable scenario. After some reflection, it seems that the Super Special (sometimes coined “super edition”) always followed a certain canon.

• plot involved a vacation or a trip
• a romantic fling occurred, and the object of said fling was usually never mentioned again
• there were some fantasy or supernatural elements occurring
• a mystery or crime is committed and the characters solve it
• the activities in the plot occurred in a weird, physics-defying timeline that never fit with the “real” timeline and somehow did not “really” happen during the series. Think of how many Spring breaks the SVHs had, or how many summers after eighth grade the BSC had.
• often highlighted a summertime or Christmastime (never hannukah!)
• often told from multiple character’s perspectives

The aforementioned Super Special where inexplicably the Pikes and Watson take their families on vacation together, and bring along extra teen girls with them. Dram! Intrigue! Romance! One big commercial for Disneyworld!

This one was so craptastic it was like Hemingway. The kids go on a school trip to a fantasy amusement park and Liz hits her head (or falls off a motorcycle or something) and imagines a scenario where she is fighting witches, goblins, and wizards. Wtf.

Of course, all the trips the twins take where they make a big splash wherever they go.

Then there is an altogether different subset of super specials- the CAMP ones. Growing up, I felt the same way about camp that I did about boarding schools. It was a time for mischief, growing up, and boyfriends. [It is no surprise that several of my favorite movies are The Parent Trap, Wet Hot American Summer, Little Darlings, and Camp Cucamunga. I'll give you a hundred dollars if you've actually seen the last one I mentioned.] I was too chicken and prissy to ever want to go to a sleepaway camp. However, I was a day camp counselor for five summers of my life- god knows why. I was always the one who stayed and watched all the kids while all the other counselors ran off and smoked pot in the woods. Guess who had a more fun summer? Them.

The BSC Camp Mohawk one changed my life- I longed for the day when I could gather up enough friends to stand around and do a kickline and laugh. This is still a goal of mine. Maryanne but a melon under her pillow and went to sneak off to meet Logan. Jess and Mal were too young to be CITs so they anointed themselves as “junior CITs” and made armands for themselves and talking is a secret language or something and then wondered why their bunkmates hated them.

Sleepover Friends is like food and outfit porn for kids. I mean that in a really not sexual way. That’s really the basis for most of them.

The fifth grade is putting together a newspaper for their class. They act like it will be the Wall Street Journal, and not some dinky two-sided xerox that you know it really will be. They all conveniently get jobs that fit their one -dimensional personalties. Lauren will be the restaurant reviewer. Kate will write the advice column (although her identity is a secret), Patti is the editor in chief, and Stephanie will right the “society column. BWAH! Like she will be on the fifth grade party circuit. Well, I eat my words because apparently this school has lots of parties.

Everywhere Steph shows up, Karla Stamos is there, and you know she is a drip because she wears brown and doesn’t have a super-exclusive annoying clique that names themselves. Steph is mad that Karla always has the inside scoop because her aunt and uncle own the party supply store where everyone in Riverhurst goes to get their supplies.

We also get a gastro-sickening account of everything that Lauren has to eat for her review: pizza, pasta, Chinese food, burgers, fries…all in one day.

Barf.

There is a big fight among them for some reason too stupid to get into and they plot to get Stephanie talking to them again while fake-inviting her to a party to cover that they cooked up pretending that their lines got crossed on Stephanie’s wireless phone (this is 1990, cordless phones were like iphones back then).

The girls are spending their first sleepover in Stephanie’s “apartment” that her whipped parents built for her. Then again, they may be smarter than you think because they don’t have to hear her screeching once a month at the sleepovers. I wish I had a place like that. I sometimes think about how my teen life would be different if my parent’s house had a finished basement. When I was at my friends’ houses, all the good stuff happened down there.

The artist on the cover is a genius, because she has captured all of them in poses that totally describe exactly what their roles are.

Hey all, I’ve been getting some questions about my opinions about the released versions of the books. Love that you value my opinion! However, I will not be reading nor recapping these versions. My reasons and motivations for this blog are to relive the books that I read in the past and to reflect on those and I want to concentrate on the originals as they were. I think you already know my strong feelings against the rerelease of the books because (a)it is a totally dumb idea and the updates are ridiculous and unbelievable (even moreso than the plotlines in the original!) and (b) there is much better literature that should get the effort to be marketed to teens and (c) the motivation seems purely monetary for Random House.

However, it is clearly a great topic of interest to many of you and quite frankly my reasons for continuuing to do recaps is because of the support I’ve received on this blog. So, I’ve set up a place over here for you all to discuss it and post your own recaps. Please don’t take it personally if I do not join in!

Also, be sure to add your best SVH book never written.

Sorry all, I gave this a try and I had to stop. It was too horrid. It’s like DVD extras; sometimes you watch the deleted scenes of a movie and you think, wow, there was a reason those scenes were deleted. Do we really need to rehash some of the Saint Elzabeth moments? his is Elizabeth’s secret diary volume three, which means it takes place over bookslike 60-80 or something.

You’d think that hearing about Elizabeth in first person point of view would give more insight into her character but it gives us the insight that she is as boring and condescending as we thought she was. She also constantly refers to Diary by name, like “Diary, you wouldn’t believe what happened today!” Gross.

The infurating thing is that Elizabeth meets Sam first and they have a fling. It’s love at first sight of course, so I am sure he is just as happy with Jessica. This, of course, does not fit in any other plot line, because Liz never again mentions any other times her romantic feelings for Sam, not even when she, um, I don’t know, drives drunk and kills him.

What is that house in the background? is that guy supposed to be Sam? Liz looks like Lauren Conrad. Please shoot me for knowing who Lauren Conrad is.